Newt and the Devil

Department of Acquisitions

Hell, Georgia  66666

Dear Beelzebub,

I am inquiring about the possibility of selling my soul in exchange for the Republican presidential nomination this year.  I am at wit’s end and am doing this only because I believe I have no other recourse.

Yours in flaming eternity,

Newt Gingrich

Dear Mr. Gingrich,

Thank you for your inquiry.  This has been a busy year here in the underworld.  We have had quite a backlog of enquiries.  We have had to delay the foreclosure on Dick Cheney’s soul for some time, but I am sure that his will be a proud addition to those of Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Stalin, James Earl Ray and John Wilkes Booth. 

I turned your request over to our title search department and at first they had difficulty verifying that you possessed a soul.  Upon digging deeper into the flaming pit of our souls registry department, we discovered that your “soul” had already been heavily encumbered by a number of lien holders. Among these claimants are a number of ex-wives and girlfriends, the Republican Party,  the Tea Party, the Koch Brothers, Exxon-Mobil, Blackwater and a variety of  groups and individuals too numerous to mention.  Unfortunately, we cannot compete with this list and cannot risk putting ourselves at the back of the line.

We do sincerely appreciate that the work you are presently doing on Earth parallels the goals of this department, but legal obstacles prevent a merger or acquisition at this time.

May hell never freeze over!

Burnie Bush

Assistant Secretary to the Chief Demon

Fire Pit 7734

Hell GA 66666