Inquisition to examine round-earth theory

Inquisition to examine round-earth theory

Feb. 2, 1525 (ESPÑA)  Seville

A major debate has arisen across the Christian world in recent months over the latest findings in geography.  While the vast majority of leading geographers and scientists are ready to accept the global view of the Earth, many, more conservative groups criticize their conclusions.

Citing the findings of Columbus, and more recently, Magellan’s crew, Don Pedro del Redondo de la Tierra of Cadiz, Associate Professor of Geography at Universidad de Santa Catalina (USC), defended the spherical-earth view. 

In an interview with the leading scientific periodical, La Luz, the professor stated, “If Magellan’s ships traveled in only a westerly direction and ended up where they started, it must prove that there is no edge to the earth.  There are few thinking people who can deny the scientific evidence.”

Howls of outrage and ridicule followed the comments of Redondo and his colleagues.  “If the world was round, you would fall off if you went too far south!  This is round earth business is only a theory.” argued Fr. I. C. Myopic of St. Boniface Parish in last Sunday’s sermon.

“God made the world flat.  This ‘round earth’ business is only a lie placed in some people’s heads by Satan to test our faith.”  Citing the number of  ships that never returned to port as the truth behind the matter, Father Myopic encouraged his parishioners to rally and “reject the devil’s work and follow the word of the True Church.”

Recent word from the Vatican indicates that the Inquisition has been asked to look into this matter to see if heresy has taken place.  Urged on by heavy lobbying from the makers of flat-earth maps who have taken quite a financial hit the past few years, the curia is waiting for the definitive word from the Holy Father as to the revealed truth of the matter.

Schools and institutions of higher learning in Spain are in a quandary.  As an attempt to reach a compromise that will keep both sides of the issue happy, the Director-General of Truth-through-discipline for Crown and Catholic Schools, Bishop U. R. Merda is requiring all educators in the kingdom to present a “fair and balanced view” and present the round or flat earth views side-by-side and let each student make his own choice.

“After all, this is a matter of faith.  This is no time to question established authority.” proclaimed the bishop last Saturday during the weekly burnings-at-the-stake at the city’s Plaza Mayor.

-John Mollan, reporting © 2012                  http://progressivenorthwest.blogspot.com