Department of
Acquisitions
Hell, Georgia
66666
Dear Beelzebub,
I am inquiring about the
possibility of selling my soul in exchange for the Republican presidential
nomination this year. I am at wit’s end
and am doing this only because I believe I have no other recourse.
Yours in flaming
eternity,
Newt Gingrich
Dear Mr. Gingrich,
Thank you for your inquiry.
This has been a busy year here in the underworld. We have had quite a backlog of
enquiries. We have had to delay the
foreclosure on Dick Cheney’s soul for some time, but I am sure that his will be
a proud addition to those of Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Stalin, James Earl Ray
and John Wilkes Booth.
I turned your request over to our title search department
and at first they had difficulty verifying that you possessed a soul. Upon digging deeper into the flaming pit of
our souls registry department, we discovered that your “soul” had already been
heavily encumbered by a number of lien holders. Among these claimants are a
number of ex-wives and girlfriends, the Republican Party, the Tea Party, the Koch Brothers, Exxon-Mobil,
Blackwater and a variety of groups and
individuals too numerous to mention. Unfortunately,
we cannot compete with this list and cannot risk putting ourselves at the back
of the line.
We do sincerely appreciate that the work you are presently
doing on Earth parallels the goals of this department, but legal obstacles
prevent a merger or acquisition at this time.
May hell never freeze over!
Burnie Bush
Assistant Secretary to the Chief Demon
Fire Pit 7734
Hell GA
66666
